Do you have EQ? Emotional Intelligence?

While reading this article by Daniel Goleman, the author of “Emotional Intelligence,” I couldn’t help but agree that having emotional intelligence is of prime importance in every area of our lives. I am so glad I discovered EFT and the other techniques I use which helped me to grow in my ability to have better emotional intelligence. Mr. Goleman says that knowledge, smarts, and vision are important attributes as a leader as is the ability to identify and monitor emotions while managing relationships. He shares his shortlist of the competencies below.”

1. SELF-AWARENESS

Realistic self-confidence: You understand your own strengths and limitations; you operate from competence and know when to rely on someone else on the team.

Emotional insight: You understand your feelings. Being aware of what makes you angry, for instance, can help you manage that anger.

2. SELF-MANAGEMENT

Resilience: You stay calm under pressure and recover quickly from upsets. You don’t brood or panic. In a crisis, people look to the leader for reassurance; if the leader is calm, they can be, too.

Emotional balance: You keep any distressful feelings in check — instead of blowing up at people, you let them know what’s wrong and what the solution is.

Self-motivation: You keep moving toward distant goals despite setbacks.

3. EMPATHY

Cognitive and emotional empathy: Because you understand other perspectives, you can put things in ways colleagues comprehend. And you welcome their questions, just to be sure. Cognitive empathy, along with reading another person’s feelings accurately, makes for effective communication.

Good listening: You pay full attention to the other person and take time to understand what they are saying, without talking over them or hijacking the agenda.

4. RELATIONSHIP SKILLS

Compelling communication: You put your points in persuasive, clear ways so that people are motivated as well as clear about expectations.

Team playing: People feel relaxed working with you. One sign: They laugh easily around you.

How to gain EQ

That’s a great list and it is possible to have that emotional intelligence (or Emotional Quotient – EQ). So how do you gain those skills and those competencies, if you are lacking in some area?

Travis Bradbury, co-author of Emotional Intelligence 2.0 says, “As you discover and practice new emotional intelligence skills, the billions of microscopic neurons lining the road between the rational and emotional centers of your brain branch off small “arms” (much like a tree) to reach out to other cells. A single cell can grow 15,000 connections with its neighbors. This chain reaction of growth ensures it’s easier to kick a new behavior into action in the future. 

As you train your brain by repeatedly practicing new emotionally intelligent behaviors, your brain builds the pathways needed to make them into habits. Before long, you begin responding to your surroundings with emotional intelligence without even having to think about it. And just as your brain reinforces the use of new behaviors, the connections supporting old, destructive behaviors will die off as you learn to limit your use of them.”

Neural Pathways and the Nervous System

Yes, that’s true, there is a definite relationship between the neural pathways in the brain and learning new skills. When the parasympathetic nervous system is switched on, those pathways in the brain can function well, having the flexibility they need to reinforce the new and positive behaviors. You are relaxed and calm in your body and able to think more clearly. Oxygen is flowing to your brain, you are able to breathe more deeply, be present in your body while self-aware of what is going on in your emotions. You respond to situations calmly. 

When you are less stressed you are able to be more emotionally intelligent. If we are going through life in a state of fear, flight, freeze – aka the sympathetic nervous system state, it is difficult to have EQ because all your energy is working towards keeping you safe. Blood is going to your extremities to be ready to fight or flee (and not your brain). Your system is checking every interaction, every step you take as “is this safe?” You can be hyper-vigilant as your body is spending every ounce of energy in “keeping you safe” at all costs.  

Your Beliefs

Therefore, it only takes a few words, a look, a pile of work dumped on your desk, someone to be promoted above you who is less accomplished, you have a fight with your partner, for you to be triggered into that sympathetic nervous state. This reaction is connected to what your underlying beliefs are. These beliefs are deeply ingrained in your subconscious.

Those beliefs can keep you stuck in a rut that stops you from having the best quality of emotional intelligence. Remember those neural pathways? They can’t fire up with positive thoughts if you are stuck in that fearful state. You can’t think your way out of those fears that have been programmed in, usually from when you were young

Why EFT helps us to gain EQ

EFT is an effective tool that allows energy to flow freely in the body again, oxygen back into the brain and homeostasis in the body (parasympathetic state). You are able to let go of your fears and can accept new positive mindsets and beliefs. 

If you are running subconscious beliefs such as: “I’m not good enough, not smart enough, I can’t trust myself, ” to name a few, there is a way out! What if you could say, “I’m safe, I am good enough, I might make mistakes but they are fixable. I’m worthy, I enjoy life and attract healthy, supportive people into my life. I love to be generous and life generously gives back. I express gratitude and I lead well. I am emotionally intelligent?”

EFT helps us to change our negative beliefs

The beliefs that are running you 95% of the time come from your subconscious. Your beliefs cause your thoughts and your thoughts cause your emotions and feelings. We have 70,000 thoughts a day. What are those thoughts? Check them out today, notice how many of them are negative. You might know how you are supposed to respond in certain situations, yet underneath your calm mask, your stomach is churning, heart racing, blood pressure’s rising, palms sweating and you are tense all over. That’s not good either, you may not be exploding in anger or tears but you know you are triggered and you find it hard to respond in a healthy way. That’s a huge tax on your body, leading you into physical and emotional stress. You don’t want that either and especially not on a daily basis. Ever heard of adrenal fatigue?

It’s possible to upgrade our beliefs

Photo: Tom Scott

I can relate to all of this and it is totally possible to overcome these subconscious triggers. In the past, there were times I had little or no emotional intelligence. I hated it! It took me years of searching for me to learn the best techniques to overcome my fears and be more emotionally intelligent. You can too!

Drumroll, I now use these transformational techniques I used to heal my past traumas and beliefs, for my clients. My passion is to help you to have emotional intelligence. You can live your best life, lead others and impact the world around you in a positive way!

Please let me know how you liked this article. I would love to hear your responses or questions.

“Simply, working with Gail changed my life. The shift in thinking and moving thru the day dramatic. Had been stuck for a long time. Self doubt, fear, resentment the norm. Gail’s mix of tapping, EFT, IFS, matrix reimprinting, talk (sounds daunting . . . process a smooth, safe surrender) released much that was old and made room for the new (how bout some acceptance, forgiveness, hope . . . Wonderful). Do not hesitate. You will be amazed by Gail’s graceful presence, the powerful dance of her practice, and the result. Truly a gift – the changer and the change.” ~ Sam Mulcahy

Mr. Goleman is the author of “Emotional Intelligence”, “The Power of Emotional Intelligence in Leadership”.

Travis Bradbury is the co-author of Emotional Intelligence 2.0 and CEO of TalentSmart https://www.talentsmart.com/products/emotional-intelligence-2.0/